Fitness escapades

 

Attempts have been made to kick start some sort of vague fitness routine partly inspired by Lucy at Skedaddle although, lets be honest here, I also go there to laugh madly and snort embarrassingly. So while Lucy has instigated a succession of 60 day fitness regimes as part of "Project Action Babe" I have instigated the more leisurely "Project Get off Arse". Babehood can wait. So what better way to start than by assessing my fitness…by myself of course with no professional input or equipment.

Fitness test #1 How long can I run for?

I havent run in over 12 months and so what better way to test myself by just going out and running and seeing when I collapse in a heap? If I make a jogging motion but I'm still going the same speed as a fast walk that counts right? Hope so! I dug out my lycra running tights and was pleasantly surprised to see that the skinny wee things still fitted. Awesome! What I didn't realise until my return and subsequent glancing in a full length mirror was that the only reason they fit was that the lycra had stretched to full capacity and in doing so the tights had gained a level of opacity that just verged on decent. I met quite a few villagers that day…but I digress. 

As well as the running tights there is the sports bra. It was always a snug fit, which is important for those of us of a busty persuasion but now it doesn't tie without creating a massive amount of back fat. I'm sure the strap disappears into the rolls.

Anyway, you have the picture; something looking a little like a burst sausage goes out for a jog (bouncing walk). Nice. I managed a grand total of running for 5 minutes before my legs dropped off and rolled away. They might as well have, useless! I managed a sorry jog/walk/zombie leg drag home and collapsed on the sofa. Fitness Fail!

Fitness test #2 How long can I walk for?

Being clearly not fit enough to run I turned my attention to walking. I can do that! "Come out on the loop I do," says the fella, "it's not that far." After 2.5 miles walking up a hill so steep I needed to belay (don't be fooled by my use of climbing terminology…I looked that up) I was done in and I wasn't even pushing the baby and the dog was pulling me up the hill. I was forced to walk/zombie drag my way home but then it was pointed out that my only other option was to lie down in the grass and stay there. I walked. A foolish 20 minutes sat on the sofa resulted in an over dramatically sore hip and much whimpering as  I walked. Fitness Fail!

Clearly I am unfit but this does not mean I have any intention of remaining so. I may not have Action Babe goals (that'll come in time) but some goals are always good; although I'm thinking that previous talk of building up to 60 miles is a tad adventurous. 

  • Be able to run constantly for 60 minutes in an actual running fashion and not a shuffle.
  • Get outdoors every day no matter what the weather. I want baby to see that even bad weather is no excuse for staying indoors. I'll have to work hard on this one as horizontal rain doesn't really excite me.
  • …nah, that's it. No need to get carried away.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to squeeze into my lycra and then stand drinking tea while looking at the rain lashing against the window.

 

I run ultra marathons…

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…in my head. Really! you see in my head I am an amazing runner. I can run effortlessly up mountains and leap down the other side rather like a mountain goat. I can run for hours on end without feeling fatigued, dehydrated or feeling like I want to vomit. In my head these shoes take me for miles.

Reality however is much more depressing. I can barely run for 30 seconds. Woe.

How can this be? I bought these shoes a year ago with grand running plans. I even entered a 5K and ran it in reasonably good time with no training. (This is a theme of mine. I once ran a 10K with no training and I only did it as I was raising money for someone I worked with for their child. How could I not when I had his little face o my t-shirt!? Anyway I ran it in about 1 hr 13 I think and didn't walk at all. I was ill for days).  Then I was pregnant and really all my running shoes did was carry my lardy arse and gargantuan belly around for months on end. They became my waddling shoes.

Now baby is here and it is time for those shoes to reclaim their rightful title of "running shoe". Go forth shoes and let us lumber through the countryside sweating and swearing as we go. 

(I like the idea of setting myself a challenge of running nought to sixty km in a year. Then I realised that 60km is a bit over 30 miles so maybe not…or maybe?…)